The Monster Book of Dynamically Managing Religions in a Dynamic Way

1.1 And Lo! his Holiness JABITheW saw the post of Ye Holy Prophet Rasmusfribble, 1.2 who thinks too of ye holy Profits* 1.3 and saw that it was good. 1.4 And he too thought about increasing Ye Holy Market Appeal.

2.1 It came to his attention that many religions have their commandments carved in stone on public buildings, 2.2 where they do not belong, 2.3 and with Billslam being a Dynamic Religion, 2.4 this creates unnecessary End User Cofts. 2.5 Thus, JABITheW declared that Bill declared 2.6 that it is only necessary to put the commandments that you like 2.7 on these displays. 2.8 The only Commandment which Bill requires to be displayed is the primary and most important commandment in Billslam, 2.9 the 12th Commandment, 2.10 42.

Glory be to the Wisdom of Boll.

*I am truly sorry, but I was sorely tempted by...erm...He Who Tempts, and I am but a man. Except when it suits me better to be something else. Bill forgive me.

The Monster Book of Market Research

Chapter 1
¹And but thusly lo! the Bill did make his convoluted entrance unto the World ²in order to see how His religion fared ³compared to its main rivals ⁴in particular, that pesky Jesus chap. ⁵And lo! his findings were bad indeed. ⁶For he determined that many viewed His religion as having a ⁷"disreputable lack of reputable religious reputation" ⁸unlike others. ⁹That, and other religions have permanent special offers on.

Chapter 2
¹For it was discovered that many were becoming "born-again Christians" ²in order to have two birthdays. ³Plus, Christianity was up on Billslam by 50% ⁴with regards to blatent contradictions in the Holy Book, ⁵and was also winning on ye "Distribution of Alcohol during Religious Ceremonies". ⁶Plus, many people mistakenly believed that because of ye Holy Trinity, ⁷Christianity was up 200% on Billslam with deities.

Chapter 3
¹So lo! did the Bill put an advert on ITV ²(and that sentence is not a question, even though it begins with "did"), ³in which he announced the following: ⁴"Lo! I remind thee that the Bill hath three Forms: ⁵the Father, the Scone and the Holy Jam. ⁶Or something like that. I can never remember. ⁷Secondly, I announce that Billslam now offers you ⁸as many birthdays as you like! ⁹As well as ye Booze at ceremonies etc." ¹⁰And then did the Bill commission a design company ¹¹to redesign his Logo ¹²for ye Ridiculously Vast Sum of Money. ¹³And the result was a small, blue square.

Chapter 4
¹And but thusly lo! the Bill most certainly did not make his convoluted entrance unto the World ²in order to see how His religion fared ³because He certainly wouldn't compare it to its main rivals ⁴in particular, not that pesky Lionel Blair chap. ⁵Plus, Bill made both Animals and Man first, ⁶but not at the same time. ⁷Women are quite clearly inferior. ⁸Women are quite clearly not inferior.

⁹Thusly was the contradiction deficit sorted, ¹⁰and the great Fribble was rewarded for his efforts with ye Manna ¹¹in the form of Lasagne?

Ancient Sciences
In the beginning...

Scousers III

1.1 Lo, one day, HH JAB recieved news that a new rival had been appointed. 1.2 And so he sought to commune with God, 1.3 to decide his course of action.

2.2 'Oi, God!' he called, and lo! Boll responded to his cries. 2.2 'Yes?' spake he, the benefits of being a follower of Billslam being evident. 2.3 'Do I have to join the Hitler Youth?' JAB asked. 2.4 'Erm...no. At least, I don't want you to. If you really want to then I suppose you could,' replied Boll. 2.5 'Excellent,' continued JAB, 'and do I have to defend Munich with an anti-aircraft gun?' 2.6 'Do you have an anti-aircraft gun?' queried Boll. 2.7 'No, I do not,' proclaimed JAB. 'Nor can I easily reach Munich.' 2.8 'Then I suppose it's unreasonable to ask you to do that,' decided Boll.

3.1 'But Lord, things being impossible has never been a boundary to the imposition of commandments telling you to do them anyway!' despaired JAB. 3.2 'While this is true, my Sort-of-Son, 3.3 it is also true that the Faithful usually interperet such commandments as metaphorical, or even insignificant, 3.4 and then go and eat bacon anyway. 3.5 What I need is a commandment that is inconvenient and irritating, 3.6 but not so inconvenient and irritating as to be worth breaking.' 3.7 And JAB was awed by the magnificent wisdom of the Bill. 3.8 'My Lord, why not command the faithful to wave at airplanes in reading rather than shoot them down over Munich?' 3.9 'Inconvenient, irritating and disruptive,' pondered Boll, '3.10 but not to the degree that it can be considered metaphorical. 3.11 I like it!'

4.1 And thus it came to pass that the faithful shall not join the Hitler Youth 4.2 and must wave at passing aircraft whilst in Reading, Berkshire, England. This shall be the 17th commandment.

furhter Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

Mancunians I

1.1 It came to pass that some of the Faithful had asked their High Priest to explain the existence of their God, and lo, His Form. 1.2 And so JABITheW led them all to a distant corner of the Web, and begged for peace. 1.3And thusly he spake:

2.1 Praise be to the Bill, our Lord and God! 2.2 Praise be also to his almighty indefineability! 2.3 For lo, he comes to the people in Three-and-a-half forms. 2.4 Firstly, was and is the Holy Spirit. 2.5 Then was and is the Father, 2.6 then the Human Incarnate and finally the Jam.

3.1 And we, the Faithful, should Be weary of naming, 3.2 lest we be disrespectful of our God. 3.3 Thus, the Holy Spirit shall be called the Spirit Which Is Holy, 3.4 The Father shall be known as the Sort-of-Father, 3.5 The Human Incarnate shall be the One Known as Boll or Boll and 3.6 the Jam shall be known as the Jam. 3.7 Lo, the Jam shall not be confused with the Other Jam(rock band). 3.7 Together, they shall be called The Bill.

4.1 Behold, I teach you the Meanings. 4.2 The Father shall be called the Sort-of-Father, because The Bill takes divine precautions*. 4.3 Thus he is not biologically speaking the father of anyone. 4.4 He remains the guardian and creator of all that we see, in an ineffable sort of way. 4.5 Thus he is the Sort-of-Father. 4.6 Hence the half.

5.1 The Spirit Which is Holy is an Umbrella Term. 5.2 Thus the Spirit Which is Holy can include any manner of alcoholic drinks 5.3 and even beverages, 5.4 up to and excluding 90% proof Polish Vodka, 5.5 which is an Unholy Spirit.

6.1 The Human Incarnate, or Boll is the human we see walking the streets of Reading. 6.2 He is a human manifestation of the greater devine power known as the Bill, 6.3 sent to experience our sins, though not necessarily suffer from them,* and dandruff.

7.1 The second earthly manifestation of The Bill is the Jam. 7.2 The Jam cannot fight against consumption, 7.3for if it could, then it would not truly be Jam. 7.4 Hence God could not be incarnate in Jam. 7.5 So God is restricted by his Jam form, 7.6 much as he is restricted by his human form. 7.7 He gains the power to become mouldy at the drop of a hat, 7.8 cure scurvy and 7.9 give indigestion.**

8.1 So ended the lesson.

*Always use a condom
**"Lo! The Unbeliever cannot eat the Divine Jam without a Dose of Ye Holy Gaviscon?" The Prophet Rasmusfribble

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Holy Insight

And Lo! The Bill hath discovered a way to live forever. This, he hath decided, shall be made known unto only the most devout of Disciples. Otherwise, thought He, the phrase "population problem" would verily take on a new Meaning. Also it must be performed with the Divine Precision that only Boll can muster, for it causes cancer if improperly administered. Also, because The Bill is an exceptionally annoying Deity, He shall speak no more of it at this time.

Now, said He, back to coursework.


Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Coursework Evasion (The Monster Book of Insults)

1.1 And it came to pass, 1.2 that the High Priest JABITheW did notice that there had not been any updates to the Billble, 1.3 yea even for weeks or millennia, 1.4 which may be deemed to be the same in the eyes of The Bill. 1.5 So he followed the advice of one of the Faithful, 1.6 who serve Boll mightily with their faith, 1.7 and he waxed wroth 1.8 at great length, 1.9 as should all of the Faithful, 1.10 when they are avoiding Physics coursework.

2.1 And he waxed wroth of the listeners of hip-hop, 2.2 even unto the listeners of rap, 2.3 R&-not-really-B, 2.4 even unto the listeners of Dance, Trance and other Drum’n’Bass combinations, 2.5 who irritate him greatly with their moronic shallowness, 2.6 and lack of creativity.
2.7 He waxed wroth further on the Coverers of Pink Floyd, 2.8 for there is a special circle of Double Physics set aside for them, 2.9 even unto the Coverers of Led Zeppelin, 2.10 the Coverers of the White Stripes, 2.11 the Coverers of the Who, 2.12 the Coverers of the Clash 2.13 and finally unto the Coverers of AC/DC, 2.14 except Hayseed Dixie, who amuse JAB greatly.
2.15 He waxed wroth on the creation of Generic Pop Bands (© Very Very Big Inc. 2005), 2.16 who serve no purpose. 2.17 He waxed wroth on the need for stereos with treble, 2.18 for bass on its own does not constitute music, 2.19 it is only choons. 2.20 Hence, JABITheW decreed a further commandment: 2.21 16. Thou shalt not remix classical music. 2.22Thus ended his musical wrath.



To be continued…[H.H. The High Priest JAB]

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Buddy Holy

Chapter 1
¹And lo! the Bill did examine his Religione's coffers. ²And he saw that it was bad. ³"Lo," ⁴he did declare, ⁵"how can I spend the Holy Dosh on frivolous Items for Myself if there is no Holy Dosh to spend?" ⁶And lo! he took several Caffeine tablets ⁷before submerging to the horrid, dank depths of his expenditure reports. ⁸And yea, wast it declared that the main cause of expenditure ⁹(other than purchasing Caribbean islands and Fabergé eggs) ¹⁰was maintaining the high level of Holy Reporting/Random Scribbling found in the Billble. ¹¹"Hear all men, that I shall reduce Ye Journalism budget from this moment forward." ¹⁶said the BIll. ²⁷"Ande thusly shalle I I Revert ye Contentexs of YeH oly Coffers to att least Bengal Tigere purchacing levele.

Ye Shocking
The Daily Billble denounced this as "Ye Shocking". Said ye editor, Thomas Aqwhineas, "Phhhwoooar, less talk, more pictures. Sounds good to me." Said ye Thomas Thumb from the Sporte departmente, "Yer 'aving a laugh, aintcha?" Said ye random bloke off Ye Streete for ye Padding purposes, "Scuse me, did you see who nicked me raincoat? I swear I was wearing it a minute ago" before splashing off down the street.

Chapter 3
¹"Nooooooooo!" ²Thusly did the Bill cry out in agony, for his greed had created a Monster. ³And lo, was the budget reverted. ⁴And the moral of the story is, money is the object of the Devil so praise Bill for bankruptcies.

(Ye P.S.- And High! The Lo Priest JABITheW did edit out all the crap in the book, leaving a gaping hole.)
[Erm...no, I didn'teth? His Holiness JAB.]

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...

The Monster Book of Holy Boredom

And Lo! The Bill was exceptionally bored upon an Evening. Inspired by the sublime gameplay of Jedi Outcaste, Boll did decide to build Himself a Lighte Sabre. This was to be done via Wave Interference. The Instructions proceeded thus:

Around the end of the Handle, place several Emitters. The Emitters alternate between being on the Rim, and being set back from it by half the Wavelength of the Color of Lighte that is to be used. They are all focused on a particular Point - the End of the Blade.

As all the Beams of Lighte reach this End of the Blade, Wave Interference will destroy them, and thus will the Lighte Sabre be created.

Clearly, the Beams must be of significant Power if they are to be of such uses as Dueling and Cutting Through Every Known Substance. Thus, I Propose that we breed a minature race of Cats, to enclose in special gyroscopic (so that they are always falling downwards) Batteries to give Power to the Lighte Sabre.

This shall be the Weapon of Choice among all Followers of Billslam.

Further Enlightenment!
Ancient Sciences!
In the beginning...